Silence is golden—except when it’s used as punishment, parenting experts warn.
“If the purpose of the silence is to punish or distance or prove a point to the kid, or if it’s an attempt at some type of behavior modification, then no, that probably isn’t the best approach,” says Kier Gaines, licensed therapist, father, and parenting influencer.
Giving your kid the silent treatment when you’re angry about something, adds adolescent psychologist Barbara Greenberg, “is one of the worst types of punishment, because it is basically telling your kid, ‘I’m totally dismissing you. You’re not even worth talking to or looking at,’ and it induces so much shame.”
Not to mention, she adds, what it teaches your child: “If there’s any conflict with anyone in life, you just get rid of them.”
Below, everything you need to know about why communication—not silence—is the most compassionate, instructional path to take when you’re angry with your kid.
Your child may not understand why you’re icing them
“When you punish the kids with silence, you kind of overestimate that they’ll understand the point of the silence,” says Gaines, explaining that, by not communicating clearly, your child is left to figure out your behavior on their own. “So they are most likely not going to get the lesson you’re trying to teach.”
And sometimes when kids are acting in a way that enrages you—being “prickly or obtuse or just mean little money-grubbers”— it’s because they “desperately need closeness.”
Meeting that need with silence, he says, offers the opposite: distance. “And distance, in the mind of a child, is a hurtful thing to endure,” Gaines says.
If you don’t communicate, you won’t learn what’s going on with your kid
Sure, your child’s not being clear and direct about wanting closeness when they make a mess and slam their door. But you, as an adult, need to try clear communication, not silence.
“Give the kid a lot of room to explain things, because it’s important to understand the child’s motive for doing something that’s problematic,” says Greenberg.
That open back-and-forth will not only help you to understand what’s going on with your child, but give your child a chance to reflect on their behavior.
“Sometimes we just give them consequences but don’t let them think about it,” she says. Having a discussion can give you both a chance to process.
Silent treatment does not model healthy behavior
Just as problematic as the results of freezing your child out in the moment are the lessons he or she will take from your behavior.
“It teaches them not only to be conflict-avoidant, but makes them conflict-terrified,” says Greenberg, “and it makes them afraid to upset anybody, perhaps also teaching them to communicate less.”
When your kids become adults navigating their own challenges and relationships, says Gaines, they are likely to default to what’s most familiar, or what they received as a kid. If that is to give the silent treatment when there’s a conflict, “it can make them an adult who thinks that no response is a response,” he says. “But it’s not a response. You have no idea what that person means by the silence.”
It could all have the effect of turning a child into an adult who has a hard time saying the important and uncomfortable things—”You hurt my feelings,” “This is uncomfortable,” “I don’t really like this,” “I’m not okay,” he says.
And being that way, Gaines adds, “Can turn someone into a spiteful and regretful person who holds people to standards that they never communicate—and then punishes them when they don’t meet those expectations.”
The one acceptable use of silence
“If you are ignoring your child because you need to gather your thoughts or because they’ve just said something very hurtful or provocative, and your initial reaction is that you want to let something simmer for a little bit before you serve it, I think that’s okay,” says Gaines. Just be clear about needing to take that beat, and that you’ll be able to speak to them shortly.
Sometimes when his 3-year-old daughter throws tantrums, for example, he’ll sit with her a bit before saying, “‘Baby, I love you so much, but I can’t do this right now,’ and I’ll walk away and ignore the tantrum. But I don’t just ignore her for the sake of ignoring her.”
Because parents do have a right to be angry and upset, says Greenberg. “If you feel overwhelmed by it, take a step back,” she says. “Then explain what’s upsetting and give the child a chance to talk, because sometimes it’s a real misunderstanding.”
What to do instead of silent treatment when you’re angry
A much better approach, says Gaines, is to let down your parental “superhero facade” and be open when something makes you angry or sad. Instead, speak to them about what upset you.
“Try, ‘Hey, baby, when you said that, it really hurt my feelings, and I just need some time to think about the way I feel about that.’ You’re saying the thing out loud, and your child doesn’t have to wonder why you’re being silent.”
When you do that, not only do you model healthy emotional processing, you also let them in. “You communicate and you tell them what’s going on, so they don’t have to wonder or guess, because in a child’s mind, they default to, ‘oh, it’s my fault.’ They may still feel that way,” Gaines says, “but the difference is, you communicated clearly what was going on.”
Bottom line, says Greenberg: “If you want to teach your child something, you talk to them. If you feel you really need to punish and shame your kid, you freeze them out.”
More on parenting:
- Modern parenting is hurting kids and adults, ‘Anxious Generation’ author warns
- Why moms rejecting the ‘tiger’ approach turn to ‘panda’ parenting instead
- 10 essential tips for parents to raise successful, confident kids
- Failure is actually good for kids. How you can foster their resilience
This story was originally featured on Fortune.com
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